The New Yorker
CLIENT: The New Yorker
My adulthood dream of having cartoons in The New Yorker has come to fruition.
Enchanted Tiki Room
I wrote a five-issue series for Disney/Marvel based on the Enchanted Tiki Room attraction. It's an all-ages humor series about talking birds and the people who need them. Art by Horacio Domingues.
One in a series of cartoon shorts for MTV’s Liquid Television. Art by Dave Johnson with animation by Titmouse.
When design firm Office had to move, they asked me to write their moving announcement.
“Soon we were an office of golden skinned, lumbering giants, not one of us under nine feet tall. Heads would smack into doorways as hands became stuck in Cracker Jack boxes.”
A page from Pet Cake, an unfinished children's book I wrote and illustrated for the McSweeney’s children’s book imprint McSweeney’s/McMullens.
Two of three pieces for The Goods, a nationally syndicated children's activity page. First, a man teaches children how to turn their tears into juice. Then a tutorial for children to test their physical limits.
To begin, you’re going to need to cry. Maybe you’re kind of a wimp. For you, crying will be no problem. This will be your moment to shine. For those of you who are tough, crying will take some doing. Popular tear-inducing acts include: thinking of a departed loved one; embarrassing yourself; getting dumped; getting lost in the woods; rubbing freshly diced onions into your face; or contemplating life without the internet. Find what works best for you.
Ted Wilson Reviews the World
CLIENT: Electric Literature/The Rumpus
For ten years I pseudonymously wrote a weekly humor column called Ted Wilson Reviews the World. Each week Ted, an octogenarian, would review an item using a starred rating system. It included everything from the Hamburglar to a grain of sand.
Ted was recognized by The Onion and All Things Considered, Canadian textbook publisher Nelson Education licensed the rights to Ted’s review of the alphabet (and including an audio version), and Ted somehow even appeared live on WFNX’s morning show.
Here are a few excerpts from various reviews:
THE ALPHABET ★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)
The best letter in the alphabet is O. Not only does it remain distinguishable even if it falls over, but it looks just like the number zero. No other letter can do that. Definitely not G, the worst letter.
POWDERED WIGS ★★★★★ (5 out of 5)
The powdered wig offers an air of sophistication other wigs simply can’t. Yet for some reason, almost no one wears them.
ARCHAEOLOGY ★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)
Indiana Jones is the most famous archaeologist. The least famous is a woman named Patricia Woznicki.
FOOD TRUCKS ★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5)
The next time I find a food truck I like, I’m going to let the air out of its tires so I’ll be able to find it again. It’s embarrassing to bring a date to an empty curb and say there was a restaurant there last time.
EATING ★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)
What I really don’t like about eating is how half-way through chewing, I suddenly have a mouth full of half-chewed food.
INFINITY ★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)
The only case I can think of where infinity would be a good thing is if you slipped and fell into a hole that was infinitely deep, because then you would never smack into the bottom. Instead, you would just starve to death as you fell.
CLIENT: San Francisco Chronicle
A single-panel cartoon that appeared every Thursday in the San Francisco Chronicle from 2010 - 2013.
Oops, I'm Sorry.
CLIENT: The Rumpus
A short, satirical piece written for The Rumpus’ humor section.
Thank you all for coming here today. It is with a heavy heart that I admit to my colleagues, to my constituents, and to the public, that I did indeed do that thing I was accused of doing. Boy did I do it.
Yes, I did it, but I regret doing it. It was a moment of weakness. Several moments of weakness. In fact, I never wanted to do it at all. I mean, of course I wanted to do it a little. A lot, actually, because oh my god was it fun. But I didn’t want want to do it, you know? Or at least I didn’t want to get caught, because I knew that if I got caught, I would just feel awful for having been caught doing this thing that felt so good, and that makes it feel a little less good in the end.
Most importantly, I would like to apologize to my wife and family. Most of them didn’t even know that I did such things, or that I wanted to do such things, or that such things were even things. I mean, if you think about it, I’m pretty out there in terms of the things I like doing. I guess you could consider me a bit of a pioneer. Personally, not politically.
To my daughters, I want to say you should never, never, never do what I did. And if you ever date a man who wants to do that, understand that he is still an okay guy on the inside and you should cut him some slack. He’s just someone who likes to experience things on the edge of what most consider acceptable behavior and you shouldn’t judge him.
My wife, Deborah, has stood by me this entire time. At first, I assumed it was out of curiosity. Like, maybe she was interested to do what I did too, but when I suggested she try it, she got really red in the face and started crying. I said maybe that thing I did would make her feel better if she tried it just once, so she tried it, because she loves me, but it wasn’t for her after all.
It also occurs to me now that I should immediately apologize for having just outed my wife. The look on her face right now makes me realize that was a mistake what I just said. I was being so open with you all about everything that I forgot that part was a secret. Oops. Please don’t judge her for doing it. She wasn’t even very good at it, and she did it out of love and because I think she was a little confused. When I did it, it wasn’t for love at all, it was because of much darker things from my childhood. It was like a burning fire inside me that couldn’t be extinguished. Not that I’m making excuses. I’m just describing that energy I felt. That vivacity of life!
A lot of pundits have claimed this is the end of my career. To them I say, “Please stop saying that.” After all, look at Anthony Weiner, Chris Brown, or Steve Carell. Things happen, and then sometimes people just kind of forget. I’m hoping maybe that happens to me. I’m not hoping I forget, because right now all I have left are the memories of what I did, and I can kind of still almost feel it like I’m right there. What I mean is I’m hoping other people forget what I did and then they decide they’ll vote for me because why not?
A commenter on a news article asked, before turning his comment into a rant about America: If I did it once, what’s to stop me from doing it again? I’m not really sure what the answer is there. Fear of getting caught, I suppose. As I’ve been running all this through my head, over and over, trying to figure out how everything went so wrong, I think I was able to identify some key mistakes I made, not the least of which was that video. Don’t ever videotape anything, ever. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. And if you do end up videotaping something, when that video comes out, don’t claim that it’s your twin brother, because if you don’t have one, that’s really easy to disprove.
Anyway, I’ve gotten off track. If I could do this all over, would I? If I’m being honest, probably, yes. That might sound naïve but you obviously haven’t tried it. And if you want to try it, just let me know. I can offer a lot of tips and suggestions. Maybe a quick demonstration.
Thank you, and God bless.
A short film I wrote and directed about a man finding true love, and then finding something else.
Goodbye and Goodbye
CLIENT: Top Shelf
A two-page short story about the American healthcare system. And tapeworms. Art by Rob Goodin.
As an experiment, I wrote an erotic novel in a day, making it all up as I went along. At just over 20,000 words, it took 13.5 hours to write, a couple of hours to edit, and a few hours to design the cover. It's available to download on Amazon.
Some brief excerpts:
Cheryl awoke the next day feeling refreshed. Her old life was behind her and she could begin anew. Whoever she wanted to be, whatever she wanted to do, any of it could happen now. She could become a nurse, or a vegetarian. She could learn to play chess or build a website. Anything was possible.
* * *
They laughed and swam, and only a few meters off shore they met the family of dolphins, who immediately encircled them.
Cheryl reached out and felt the smooth, firm muscle of the man dolphin as it swam past. The dolphins welcomed them as if they were not humans, but fellow dolphins. Bruce climbed onto the back of one and pulled Cheryl up with him.
Their soaking wet bodies glistened atop the dolphin as it swam up and down, undulating in front of the sunset.
Bruce took Cheryl hard and kissed her with both hands grabbing her head. She ran her hands down his back, digging her nails in and leaving scratch marks. The salt water burned him but he did not care.
* * *
He reached down and picked up a pheasant leg and began to gnaw at it as he continued pounding away. His mouth was dripping with flesh and sauce. He let Cheryl have a bite and she sucked and licked the delicious pheasant, sauce dripping all over her lips. It was even more erotic than the breakfast they had enjoyed at Hooters.
* * *
You may kiss the bride,” said Pierce Brosnan who was both the officiant and a close, personal friend of Bruce’s.
And they kissed. Their lips touched in a way they never had before – as husband and wife. Blood rushed through their hearts and they didn’t want to let go. The crowd cheered and the newlyweds ran down the aisle holding hands and hearts forever.